Broccoli Man

My Office

I’ve heard that every office is full of characters. Well mine is full of some crazy fucking people. At first I thought it was normal, it was ‘diversity’. No. It’s just a bunch of nut jobs. Here are my top 2 crazies: 

Shawn

He carries an enormous red cooler up a flight of stairs every two hours to the office kitchen. He bends over at a perfect 90 degree angle, opens the cooler,  pulls out a giant bag of broccoli, and stands over the sink shoving broccoli in his face with his hands. This goes on for a whole bag of broccoli. He does this at 8:00am, 10:00am, Noon, 2:00pm…. You get the point. During lunch, he opens a bag of lettuce and will shove that in his face. Next he’ll bite into an onion. Then have a tablespoon of olive oil. Why doesn’t he mix it up in a bowl, eat it with utensils and call it a salad? Well because then it would taste good. And food should never taste good. He recently got hair plugs and a fake tan.  

Jan

If she doesn’t get enough attention she cries. Loudly. She routinely requires hospital visits for fake illnesses. From her hospital bed, she will call the office demanding that we send flowers to her hospital room. She wears wigs based on what mood she is in. She only speaks in baby talk, or a high pitched ear piercing screech. I don’t even know if she has an adult voice. Her eyes bulge out of her head.