Wednesday, November 2, 2011

My $300 Laundry Rack

I had a baby 5 1/2 months ago. Sure, I was every pregnant woman's worse nightmare. I barely gained weight, I was glowing, from the back you couldn't even tell I was pregnant. Ok so the glowing was probably from the excessive sweat that happened because of all the vomiting. But I threw up so much that I actually lost weight. So when I pushed out my 8 pound chunkabutt baby, and started breastfeeding, I actually lost a lot of weight. Then I moved, and stopped breastfeeding. I also have an issue with food. See, the issue is, I am in love with it. All of it. Mostly sugar and high fructose corn syrup. I like making brownies just to eat the batter. If it was legal to marry chocolate chip cookie dough I would. I mean, I already take it to bed. So, as you can see, it was too my shock and horror that my jeans don't fit and my upper arm continues to jiggle long after I stop waving hello. After hours of attempting to squeeze my fat ass in jeans I forced my husband to buy me an elliptical.

I just got off the elliptical. I sweat like a pregnant nun in church. My thighs are still touching when I walk! GAH how long does it take to loose 40 pounds? If it was up to me, I would get lipo. But Dathan says I need to "work for it"so that way I will "appreciate" it. Whatever, I appreciate it. Lipo is lifestyle change. without the diet, and if you think about it it will save me money. I am not sure how but I bet it would. Then I could turn my new elliptical into a laundry rack!

Ok, I gotta go, I need to go yell at the halloween candy.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Multiple Personalities or Imagination?

Yesterday on the way home from school with my four-year old, I hear her sweet voice coming from the back seat. The following is what I heard:

"No! I want cake before presents! Well I want presents then I want cake. We can't do that, that's not how it works. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. I still want cake. Lets open presents. Why won't anyone listen to me."

"Mommy, I am playing birthday party with my little pony and buzz light year."

Thank God, it was just her imagination.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Broccoli Man

My Office

I’ve heard that every office is full of characters. Well mine is full of some crazy fucking people. At first I thought it was normal, it was ‘diversity’. No. It’s just a bunch of nut jobs. Here are my top 2 crazies: 

He carries an enormous red cooler up a flight of stairs every two hours to the office kitchen. He bends over at a perfect 90 degree angle, opens the cooler,  pulls out a giant bag of broccoli, and stands over the sink shoving broccoli in his face with his hands. This goes on for a whole bag of broccoli. He does this at 8:00am, 10:00am, Noon, 2:00pm…. You get the point. During lunch, he opens a bag of lettuce and will shove that in his face. Next he’ll bite into an onion. Then have a tablespoon of olive oil. Why doesn’t he mix it up in a bowl, eat it with utensils and call it a salad? Well because then it would taste good. And food should never taste good. He recently got hair plugs and a fake tan.  

If she doesn’t get enough attention she cries. Loudly. She routinely requires hospital visits for fake illnesses. From her hospital bed, she will call the office demanding that we send flowers to her hospital room. She wears wigs based on what mood she is in. She only speaks in baby talk, or a high pitched ear piercing screech. I don’t even know if she has an adult voice. Her eyes bulge out of her head. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Going, going, back, back to Tally, Tally

So I am from Tallahassee, Florida. About 4 months ago my husband got a kick ass a job about 6 hours south of Tallahassee. This past weekend we decided to take a trip up there to see family and what not. We left late Friday evening and were only going to stay there through Sunday afternoon. However, I feel like we packed enough to be gone for a month. I swear kids need more crap when it comes to traveling. Anyway, so as we are driving Dathan (that's my hubby) asks me "Did you bring shoes?" He is glaring at my flip-flops as if I were wearing nothing on my feet. (Who forgets shoes btw) So I said "Ya, I brought my brown flip-flops and my black flip-flops" He flips out! Not even kidding. He is all "You only brought flip-flops!" Excuse me for not bringing my ruby slippers, stripper heels and running shoes. I figured a trip lasting 48 hours would not require such attire! Here is the best part he goes "I brought my black shoes, my tennis shoes, my flip flops and my other black shoes!" Then I realize OMG did I marry a woman? This guy brought more shoes than me!

Our trip continues and we are about an hour away from Tallahassee. We are traveling through a little po' dunk town called Madison, FL. All of the sudden Dathan sighs and says "Aww, Madison. Hey this is where I touched my first boob! It was in the back of a church van"
CHEESE AND RICE 2nd base in the back of a church van? These madison kids are hard core.

The weekend in Tally was fun. I got to see my sisters and hang out with family. The right home wasn't as interesting. The highlight of it all was the all you can eat pancakes at IHOP. 

Friday, October 21, 2011

Rival Poopers

I am currently dealing with a rival pooper. I have a 10:00am poop schedule – daily. Like clockwork. Ten.

Well recently SOMEBODY on my floor has become a 10:00am pooper with me. And to answer your question, YES there are 2 seperate bathrooms (not a multiple stall situation). SO I mean technically we could both poop at once and be done with it. (Although I prefer the pink bathroom because broccoli guy poops in the green one everyday at 8:48am and that shit lingers until after lunch)

But simultaneaous pooping even in seperate bathrooms creates anxiety. A contest almost. I can’t consciously simultaneously poop with another UNLESS it is a spoken contest that both parties have acknowledged.

So what do I do? Beat the rush and get to the bathroom around 9:58? That way I could make her nervous… that someone may be on too her poop schedule and forcing her to pinch it until 10:28 (I average 8 minutes to poop and then there is the mandatory minimum 20 min wait time until the Oust has successfully eliminated any poop scent and odor causing bacteria).

OR I could go downstairs. But that is a WHOLE OTHER poop schedule network which would take MONTHS to figure out. I’d hate to be the poop invader that threw a wrench in their poop schedule.

I think I understand why monkeys fling this stuff. It is POWERFUL.


Hiding In a Mansion

I can't think of a good intro for this chat. It took place after Osama Bin Laden was killed, and the news was reporting that he was 'Hiding in a Mansion'....

 Alexis: I know

9:35 AM a mansion "They'll never find me here, I am going to tweet about it"
  (I said that w/ my derka derka voice)
  which btw sounds a lot like the count from seasme street
9:37 AM Anne: I picture him with his hands out weighing his options on a scale "cave...mansion....cave....mansion....cave....mansion"
9:39 AM Alexis: then his go-to guy being like "I don't like the cave, its too cold and there is no cable. And I want to watch the balchlor"
9:40 AM Anne: and then his wife is like "and I miss my mattress" and he's all "SHUT UP about the damn memory foam"
9:41 AM Alexis: hahahahaa
  and she is like "FINE you go to cave, I am going to the mansion!"
9:42 AM Anne: "and go-to guy glares at Osama like 'SHE ALWAYS GETS HER WAY I want to go with her what a bitch"
9:43 AM meanwhile Osama is like 'but look guys we have all these cave ammenities like bats and trickling water noises"

9:48 AM Alexis: And go-to guy is like "The trickling water makes me have to pee all the time! And I want to pee in your golden toilet!"
9:51 AM Anne: and Osama's all "ya I miss my golden toilette. Do yall remember when butler man cooked us all fried chicken every Sunday? Man that was good. Maybe yall are right we should go head on back. stupid bats. Can I take this one (pointing to a baby bat with a floppy ear)
9:52 AM Alexis: and then he says "And I don't want to miss that show Sister Wives, I can really relate to them. I'm taking this bat isn't he adorable?
 Anne: you just ended scene?
9:53 AM really?
  I've been over here putting myself in cave vs. mansion mode really trying to collaborate
  and generate some good stuff
  and now i have my mmm (monday morning meeting)
9:54 AM Alexis: I hate your MMM
 Anne: I'm thinking will ferrell would be a good bat taker
 Alexis: it always interrupts my morning
 Anne: ME TOO!
  is it wrong that the minute I found out last night I was FLOODED with SNL skits
9:55 AM Alexis: no.
  Dad texted me this morning and was like TURN ON CNN
  and I was like I dont have cable
 Anne: i mean the whole 'found him in a mansion' thing just sent me off the deep end
 Alexis: oh I wonder if he was shooting a rap video

Morning Chat

Everyone has that time in between the time they actually show up for work and the time they start working. Anne and I have discovered a way to make people leave us the hell alone. See when you chat online you are pounding away (that's what she said) on the keyboard. Therefore, co-workers believe you are working hard on a project when in reality you are plotting a way to fake sick, or maybe even fake your own death just so you can go home. Below is an example of how Anne and I start our day.

8:33 AM Anne: i got my invite
 me: yey
 Anne: i know
  pablo rubbed it on his cheek
  he goes "what kinda paper is this?"
 me: I love him
 Anne: I was like BABY SHOWER PAPER its made from babies
  he goes 'Oh
8:34 AM me: duh
  thats why its so soft
 Anne: you know
  how are you?
 me: im ok
  sleepy, really sleepy
  and ready to be on maternity leave
8:35 AM i am nesting
  at work and at home
  i cleaned bottles last night
 Anne: thats so fun
 me: i know!
 Anne: nesting
  you wanna come to my house and nest?
  its dirty
  would that work ?
  ok no
 me: no
 Anne: no
 me: no
8:36 AM Anne: no nuh uh
  did you hear about dda
 me: NO
  what happened
 me: WHAT
 me: im calling him right now
 me: shut up
  are you liing?
  b/c i am calling
  its ringing
 Anne: no i'm not
8:37 AM he was like "can you take out my phone and grab a pic sherriff so i can post this to Facebook?'
8:39 AM me: OMG that is so funny
  i just talked to him
  i said "why did you kill a goose"
 Anne: isn't that so funny
 me: he said b/c it pooped
 Anne: and it attacked a lady in his office area and she fell and broke her ankle
8:41 AM me: oh he told me he was tired of it pooping
8:42 AM that is just great
 Anne: ya that too i think
 me: i am lauging really hard
  only dad
  man i love him
  did he go to jail?
 Anne: no
 me: goose killa
  thats his new name
8:43 AM Anne: that sherrif read him his rights only because he said he was telling him too much lol
  goose kille
 me: what can't you and Kylee wait for?
 Anne: we're going to belize
  to go diving
8:44 AM april 20
8:45 AM me: OMG
  i wanna go
 Anne: you can totally come
 me: thats unbelizeable
8:46 AM Anne: LOL
 me: no i really can't come i am not allowed to travle
  im too pregnant
 Anne: ya
  you are kinda bouyant
 me: it would be hard to dive
  my butt would stay afloat
 Anne: ya we'd have to put weights on you
8:47 AM me: ya
 Anne: and that would feel too much like a criminal act
 me: ok maybe next time
 Anne: ya